Darn Diabetes

Today’s blog is about frustration.  Diabetes is on my mind EVERY day.  I cannot escape thinking about it for one day.  I say insulin, diabetes, sugars, needle, carbs, etc to myself and others EVERY single day, from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed.  I’ve come to the realization, after only 50 days of having diabetes, that I hate having it.  I’m in shackles.  I tell myself and others that I can eat whatever I want as long as I counter it with insulin.  But the truth is this way of thinking is very exhausting, physically and mentally.  I’m so new at this game that I do not have an idea yet how one unit of insulin truly affects me or how 30 grams of carbs affects me.  I will know more as time passes, but for now I can only guess.  This guessing game is exhausting.  I go high (a lot) and FEEL the consequences – dry lips, extreme exhaustion, constant worry that my arteries are hardening.  I go low and FEEL the consequences – shaking, sweating, heart pounding, drunk-feeling.  The ups and the downs caused by eating whatever I want and countering with insulin is such a roller coaster ride… and I want off, even if only for a day.  I can avoid carbs in my diet (err… meal planning), but then I am hungry and feel like I never really get full.  My nutritionist limited me to 30-45 grams of carbs per meal. 30 grams is ONE slice of bread.  I miss snacking.  I miss vegging out on the couch with a huge bag of chips.  So gosh darn frustrating. Arg!